It is time for the final confrontation with my oxycodone dependence. During the past six weeks I tapered from about 360 mg per day to 60 mg.
I paused for two weeks at 60 mg because my body needed some time to adjust to the change and because I was traveling from Sept 29 through Oct 8. I took my last pill last night at midnight after a long day of traveling. I felt pretty good most of today, and began to think that perhaps the last bit would be simple to quit. Now I am shivering while wearing two fleesces and two shirts in a 72 degree home. The aches and pains aren't so bad, but they haven't really stopped since I first started tapering. However, the thing I am struggling with most is feeling old and feeble. The combination of retirement and disability is taking a pretty heavy toll on my image of who I am.
I may regret saying this, but I welcome this chance to confront this nonesense about who I am. I am God's creation. I am also a sinner who does not deserve forgiveness. The very sins that I am guilty of are those which have created the chaos and misery in this world that also has so much beauty and pleasure. I am saved by grace, not by my own efforts. All that I own. All that I treasure. All good that I am able to do. All are by the grace of God. I am not defined by those things, they are gifts and blessings from God. Now for a season I am able to do less. That is a trial. What I am will be revealed more by trials than by the blessings God has bestowed on me.
I will spare my reader (and myself) an inventory of the things that trials have revealed about me. I will summarize by saying that nothing reveals our selfishness so much as having our self feel lousy.
I will end by saying that I had a wonderful vacation during the past week.
Seeing my daughter happy, prospering, and in love. Visiting family. Simple pleasures like talks, walks, fishing, and home cooked meals. That reminds me that this would be a good time to reflect upon the many blessings I have known. Whatever your own struggle is, I hope that you can do the same.