Saturday, February 25, 2006

Amazing Diet Melts Pounds

If you need to lose several pounds you gained during the holidays, or if, like me, you are a genuine porker, I have great news! At last there is a diet plan that really works. Lose weight while you still enjoy the foods you love. No choking down double bacon cheese burgers without the buns as with the Fatkin’s diet. Forget the complicated food restrictions of the Sow Beach diet. The basics of this diet are available to you free of charge for simply being one of the three people who faithfully read my blog! I have assembled them below in the popular FAQ (frequently asinine questions) format:

What is this diet called?
I refer to it as the Eat Less Exercise More diet or ELEM.

Why haven’t I already purchased an expensive book or watched an inane infomercial about this diet?
The name could not be copyrighted and the principles are already known to most folks whose age and IQ add up to more than 90.

Which foods can be eaten with the ELEM diet!
You can consume edible foods, as well as some institutional food service foods and “convenience” foods.

What is the basic idea?
Eat less.

How much less?
Less than you usually eat.

How will I know if I am eating less, do I count calories or grams of fat and carbohydrates?
Heck no! Most folks can’t even see a calorie and they think a gram is a kind of cracker. This diet works for everyone. Anyone who can put on pants will immediately know when this diet is working. Their pants will become looser over time.

But what if I am eating less and my pants aren’t any looser?
This sometimes occurs when you aren’t actually eating less. This is why the fail safe back up, Exercise More, is part of the plan.

Why exercise?
To answer that question we have to go back in history to the age of “actual work”. Actual work involved people who made their living by moving heavy things and traveling long distances using only their muscles. The number of people who do actual work has dwindled to a tiny fraction of the populations of industrialized countries. Exercise is the new name for lifting heavy things and traveling long distances using only your muscles, but it has nothing to do with making a living.

Doesn’t my work count as exercise?
It is likely that your work involves moving mostly your fingers and lips. They just aren’t heavy enough.

How much should I exercise?
Lift heavy things or move most of your body by using your muscles until you are tired.

I’m dead tired most days. Does that mean I am exercising enough?
No. You have to get tired by lifting heavy things or moving your body.

I am pretty sure that most people know that if they eat less and exercise more they will lose weight. Why are so many people still fat?
We don’t do it.

Who should use the ELEM diet plan?
People who are actually fat, not people who are thin or who just think they are fat.

Does my age matter?
Of course it does. Every year you live, you are one year closer to your death. That is a great example of an asinine question.

I am having trouble getting started on the part where I eat less and exercise more. What should I do?
Trouble is to be expected. Most people have large amounts of trouble during an average year. The real secret to motivation is to let yourself be troubled by the fact that you are fat. We all have an innate desire to avoid trouble. If being fat troubles you more than being hungry or tired, you can lose weight.

I don’t feel troubled about being fat.
Then why are you reading a long FAQ about how to lose weight?

Are you advocating guilt?
Not necessarily, vanity or an unhealthy concern about what others think of you can be just as effective as guilt.

Are you saying that only guilty, vain, or self conscious people can follow this plan?
Absolutely not! People who care about their health will also benefit. However, there aren’t many people like that.

I am having trouble believing that something so simple can be true.
It is exactly because it is simple that you are having trouble believing.
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